


On Love: Agape

by brumalbreeze



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8455792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brumalbreeze/pseuds/brumalbreeze
Summary: Every day was enjoyable, and Yuuri found himself growing used to having Viktor by his side all the time. Soon, he started to forget what it was like not to share every practice, meal, and bath with him.He wanted time to stop, so he could preserve the passing moments forever and keep them in his heart. Yuuri didn’t want to remember that, looming above his head as he woke and ate and slept, was a timer counting down the minutes until their lives had to unwind from each other and spiral away.(Spoilers up to Episode 4.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out 5000% more angsty than I originally planned, but I honestly don't know what I expected since it's me we're talking about. Lmfao Nothing bad happens though, I promise! C=
> 
> Special thanks to [Bianka](https://twitter.com/janeypeixes) and [Minni](https://twitter.com/minnichan0) for proof-reading!

After the Onsen on Ice competition, life went on, but just a little differently. Yurio returned to Russia, and Viktor properly became Yuuri’s coach. Every day after that was spent training with Viktor at the skating rink.

To Viktor’s credit, despite the fact that he goofed around a lot, he was a competent coach. His training menus were carefully planned out, and he was good at choosing exercises he knew Yuuri could complete.

But practices were difficult for Yuuri, because it was hard to try his best and still fail, still fall, and still miss his cues. The last thing he wanted to do was show his weaknesses to Viktor. Sometimes, he grew angry and impatient with himself, because his best was still not enough and, even though Viktor never criticized him sharply but only pointed out his mistakes with a pleasant smile, he still felt ashamed. There was such a huge gap between Viktor and him, and it felt like he would never be able to close it.

Four years. That was their difference in age. Just four years, which seemed both like a lifetime and a blink of an eye.

How much more did Viktor know about the world, about himself, and about Yuuri? What kinds of things was he more experienced in? Yuuri didn’t know, but it felt like Viktor was worlds apart from him, even though he was never more than half a town away.

“Why can’t you trust your own decisions?” Viktor asked as Yuuri caught his breath. “Just try to remember something, like when you were loved by your lover.”

Yuuri’s body had been pushed to the limit, and his mind was inundated with self-doubts and worries already, so that was the last thing he wanted to hear.

“Hah?” he snapped and glared at Viktor.

Who did Viktor think he was? Yuuri wasn’t like him, who had been able to balance his skating career and personal life like it took no effort at all. It was all Yuuri could do to focus on skating, but he failed even at that. He kept failing at the only thing he was decent at, and now Viktor was pressing against his old wound with flippant words.

His thoughts had barely flashed in his mind when he immediately regretted them and his harsh response. Viktor looked completely caught off-guard by his reaction.

“S-S-Sorry!” he said, waving his hands in front of himself frantically. “Right now, it’s just that I—”

“Oh, right,” Viktor said. He put on an easy-going smile. “You’ve never had a lover before….” He hummed and turned away thoughtfully.

Yuuri felt like he had just punched Viktor.

 

* * *

 

After that, Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to look Viktor in the eye. He felt so guilty for what he had said, but he couldn’t find the courage to apologize either. Even though Viktor acted like everything was fine and even invited him to do things, he couldn’t forgive himself. Viktor had been trying to help him, but he had spat on his concern.

He spent the better part of several days ignoring and avoiding Viktor unless they were practicing at the rink. When he wasn’t running away, he was busy wallowing in guilt and misery. He was about to self-implode when Viktor decided to burst into his room uninvited one morning and dragged him out to the beach.

“Reluctant” would be a kind way of describing how he felt about accepting the invitation, but since he couldn’t escape from it, Yuuri had no choice but to dress and follow Viktor to the seaside. They didn’t talk the entire walk there, and Viktor made no attempt to start a conversation for the first fifteen minutes they sat on the sand.

Yuuri lost himself to his thoughts and curled in on himself, feeling awful about everything in general. But then Viktor started speaking, and he lent his distracted attention to listen.

Viktor talked about the idling gulls above them and of Russia in a low and nostalgic tone. Even though it was a throwaway topic, Yuuri felt the weight of Viktor’s homesickness and longing for his past in his voice.

As they talked, Viktor followed his every line of conversation and never rushed or pushed him too far. With patient cues and gentle questions, he provided opportunities for Yuuri to open up or back away. And when he tentatively revealed more about himself, Viktor nodded and accepted the tidbits of information he supplied.

It felt like a slow dance between them. Each time Viktor stepped forward and steadied him with a hand on his waist, Yuuri felt safe enough to fall backwards and let himself be caught, spun, and righted for the next sequence. Sometimes, he stumbled and tripped, but Viktor still watched over him and slowed his rhythm to match Yuuri’s speed.

Yuuri found that he wouldn’t mind if they continued this dance for the rest of his life.

“Okay. I won’t let you off easy then. That’s my way of showing my love.”

And that was when Yuuri realized he had been afraid of nothing all along.

 

* * *

 

 Laughing and talking with Viktor became much easier following that. Viktor became more human, not because he had lost his charm, but because Yuuri was finally able to recognize that they both stood on the same earth and breathed the same air.

Viktor wasn’t some unreachable god, but someone who was always by his side, ready to listen to him and give him a reassuring smile. He was fickle and selfish, but also fair and non-judgmental. Sometimes, he pulled pranks, but he also had his moments of introspective seriousness. Having grown up with the whole world watching him, it was no surprise that Viktor played everything up, but Yuuri liked it when he tilted his head just right, like he was always expecting a camera pointed at him, or when he exaggeratedly swooned and fell to the floor for effect.

Every day was enjoyable, and Yuuri found himself growing used to having Viktor by his side all the time. Soon, he started to forget what it was like not to share every practice, meal, and bath with him.

He wanted time to stop, so he could preserve the passing moments forever and keep them in his heart. Yuuri didn’t want to remember that, looming above his head as he woke and ate and slept, was a timer counting down the minutes until their lives had to unwind from each other and spiral away.

 

* * *

 

 It was late at night, and the only people left in the dining area were the two of them. They had spent the better half of the night swapping stories and joking together. Yuuri couldn’t remember what it was he said, but Viktor was laughing so hard that he had to wipe tears from his eyes. His stomach hurt from laughing too, but he felt pleasantly flushed with gentle euphoria.

As he watched Viktor mutter to himself and dab the corners of his eyes with his sleeve, Yuuri felt his breath catch.

From the time he was young, he made sure to read every magazine article and watch every interview Viktor was featured in, so of course he knew how Viktor squinted his left eye more when he smiled, how his voice dropped when he was about to tease someone, or how he sometimes scrunched his nose when his bangs tickled it, but this was different. Watching Viktor as he leaned toward him, gestured wildly as he recalled a funny story, and threw his head back when he laughed heartily made Yuuri’s chest hurt. This was a side of Viktor that other people could only dream of seeing, yet here he was, showing it all to Yuuri.

He loved the way Viktor’s hair fell over his eyes and fluttered with his movements, how the blue of his eyes sparkled whenever he was amused, and the subconscious tilt of his head whenever he looked at Yuuri. The way Viktor’s eyes looked only at him made Yuuri feel warm, and the way Viktor said his name—as if he was carefully savoring and forming each syllable—sent chills down his back. He loved being around Viktor, and he loved _him_.

Yuuri loved him, and it was hitting him hard.

Warm tears fell from his eyes and slid down his cheeks. Yuuri choked and clutched his chest.

He loved Viktor. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him, unconditionally and selflessly, he loved him.

The timer above his head, with its glowing red numbers, weighed on his shoulders and reminded him again that there were just several months left for them—several months before the Grand Prix Finals and his dream would end.

“Yuuri? Yuuri, what’s the matter? Did something happen? Do you hurt somewhere?”

Viktor hurried around the side of the low table and put his hands gently on him, but Yuuri was drowning.

All his life, he had tried so hard not to cry in front of others and keep his fragile side away from prying eyes, but now, the man he regarded as his greatest idol and crush was watching him as he sobbed. Yuuri felt ashamed and embarrassed.

“Pl-Please don’t look at me,” he choked and turned away.

There was a pause, and then Viktor said, “Okay.” He removed his hands from Yuuri, leaving cold spots on his back and arm. He shuffled on the tatami mats, and Yuuri could tell that he had turned the other way to give him more privacy.

Compared to the other people in his life, he had only really _known_ Viktor for a short period of time, and yet, he had fallen for him faster and deeper than anyone else he had met. It hurt to realize what he had been feeling for so long and then to realize that it was all for naught. In the first place, he knew that this deal had an expiration date. Viktor had no obligation to stay behind after the end-of-the-season competition, and it wasn’t as if he had a reason to anyway. In the end, they were only coach and athlete, and nothing more. Viktor would have to return to his own life eventually.

He cried bitterly and felt the deep irony of sitting just a handful of centimeters from Viktor. He wondered if he was wrong in fearing for what would come in the future instead of enjoying what he had in the present, but the ticking countdown scared him.

Yuuri took off his glasses, wiped his tears away, and tried to steady his breathing. He could hardly see with his glasses on, so he kept them off. His feelings had overwhelmed him so suddenly, he had no time to prepare himself at all. He had felt hysteria before, especially before large competitions, and he had definitely had breakdowns before as well, but this was intense on a level he was unfamiliar with.

In the confusion of things, Makkachin had trotted over and laid a very sad head in his lap. Yuuri wasn’t sure if Makkachin’s large eyes were trying to comfort him or implore him for pets, but he smiled anyway. Smoothing the curly, fluffy fur from Makkachin’s head felt good, and he was able to calm himself down.

He sucked in a breath and muttered, “… Sorry.” He hoped Viktor didn’t think badly of him after all that crying.

“It’s fine,” Viktor said in a soothing voice. “Are you alright?”

He ruffled Makkchin’s ears and made a vague, uncertain noise.

“Is it something you can talk to me about?”

Yuuri’s cheeks became warm, and he lowered his eyes. “No…” he mumbled.

“Okay,” he accepted easily.

Again, Yuuri was touched by how considerate Viktor was. Even though he was clearly concerned, Viktor still didn’t push Yuuri any farther than he was ready to go. It wasn’t so much that Viktor treated him with delicacy, but it was more… respect. Respect for his boundaries, opinions, and his emotions. Yuuri appreciated that part of him immensely. His chest hurt again.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered hoarsely. The words had come from him without his beckoning.

“… Huh?”

“After the Grand Prix Finals, after the season…. I don’t want you to leave.” His voice shook, and the tears he had just managed to stop came back again. “I know—” Yuuri sucked in a breath, “—I know that’s not realistic, that you need to go home, but I—”

He let go of Makkachin and scrubbed at his eyes. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore.

“I wish you could stay here for longer….” He had nearly slipped and said “forever.”

Viktor exhaled slowly. “I see. Well, we still have a while until the competition, and there’s a lot of time. I’m not sure what I’d like to do after the season is done yet, but I don’t think I’ll be leaving Hasetsu the second it’s over,” he said with a light chuckle.

“It’s not that,” he mumbled.

“Hm?”

He clammed up and fidgeted.

“If you’re worried about keeping in touch, we can always use social media—”

“No, it’s… it’s not that either….”

Viktor quieted down too. It was as if he was waiting for Yuuri to be ready to explain what he meant. The problem was that Yuuri didn’t know when or if he would ever be prepared to explain himself.

He wanted to confess though, to tell Viktor that, for over 11 years, he had admired him and now, he had fallen in love. He wanted to tell Viktor how scared he was about having to watch him leave once their tenuous contract was complete. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it, because he didn’t know how that would change their relationship.

They already had a limited amount of time together, and Yuuri didn’t want to ruin everything because he couldn’t control his emotions.  

His confession burned in the core of his chest like acidic tar, and he shivered at how hot it was. It would take less than two seconds for him to say it and get over with it. In less time than it took to breathe in and out, he could confess to Viktor, and the weight on his chest would disappear.

Yuuri felt like he was skating on the thinnest part of a newly frozen lake. His blades cut into the hard surface with each kick and spin, and familiar euphoria coursed through him. But at the same time, fear weighed him down. Despite the fact that he had skated all his life, he was still fearful of falling and hurting himself. Now, he was also afraid of the ice cracking beneath his feet and sucking him into numbing darkness.

The freezing water took away his feeling right after it burned him alive. He couldn’t move or breathe or think, only succumb to the water’s sedating slumber. Even as his heart pounded wildly and his brain told him to struggle to reach the surface, he couldn’t. Yuuri watched as bubbles of air danced from his mouth and away from him. He was drowning.

“Yuuri?”

“I like you,” he blurted out.

Viktor didn’t say anything, but Yuuri knew he heard. After that, he kept going.

“I’ve looked up to you for almost half my life, but I know that doesn’t mean I know anything about you, and it’s not as if we’ve known each other for long or anything, but…” he rambled, hating how he couldn’t properly articulate himself. Yuuri felt like he was just repeating himself endlessly. “But lately,” he said, clenching his eyes shut, “I’ve been thinking that maybe I like you….”

Behind him, Viktor breathed in deeply and exhaled. “I see.”

Yuuri’s heart beat quickly.

“Thank you for telling me. It must have taken you a lot of courage to decide to confess.”

Even though he should have expected it because, after all, Viktor was a world-known figure skater who could have anyone he wanted, Yuuri still felt crushed. Of course Viktor didn’t like him back. He was plain and boring. Even if Viktor was captivated by the way he skated, that didn’t mean he was interested in him in any other way. But he was so kind, even his words of rejection were gentle and careful.

He knew he shouldn’t have confessed. It would’ve been better if he had swallowed up his words and waited until it was too late, just like he had always done. Tears welled up in Yuuri’s eyes again as he braced himself for the rest of Viktor’s words.

“I appreciate your feelings for me. I’m glad to hear them because,” Viktor said and leaned back just far enough so their backs touched slightly, “I like you too, Yuuri.”

Yuuri sucked in a breath and froze. “What…?”

Viktor chuckled quietly. “I like you too,” he repeated.

“No way,” he said. Tears fell from his eyes again.

“Eh? How terrible of you, Yuuri! Are you saying I’m a liar?” he laughed and nudged him lightly with his elbow. Viktor sobered up quickly and resumed in a serious voice. “I didn’t tell you all this time because I didn’t want to frighten you away or rush things. I joked about this stuff sometimes to let you consider the option though, of course. But,” he said, his back warm against Yuuri’s, “I knew you needed more time to figure your feelings out. You’re still learning a lot about yourself, after all.

“Hey, Yuuri,” he said, “I know you want me to stay by your side as myself, but would you allow me the honor of also being your lover? That way, I can be with you for as long as you would like.”

Yuuri started crying even harder. He had no idea how to accept this change of events, even though he was the one who triggered them. He still couldn’t believe Viktor would feel the same way about him.

The heavy weight of his fears melted away, and he felt his entire body relax. Yuuri didn’t know that relief could be so exhausting. His heart, which he thought had stopped beating, renewed its energies and thudded wildly in his chest.

“Yuuri, are you okay? You’re crying pretty hard….”

“No,” he blubbered and sniffled. “Why would you say it like that?” he demanded. He was almost angry, but he couldn’t ignore the carbonated bubbles of joy popping in his chest. “I thought you were rejecting my feelings….”

“Huh? Really? But I thought it would be better to thank you for confessing first. Did I do that wrong?” Viktor asked.

Yuuri laughed, taken off guard by how oblivious and innocent Viktor sounded. Then, he grew quiet and smiled. “No,” he said and wiped the rest of his tears away. “I was just scared….”

Viktor laughed breathily. He lowered his voice. “May I look at you now?”

His tender words made Yuuri’s body become hot. Hesitantly, he nodded and made a soft noise in the back of his throat.

“I couldn’t see what you did just now, but I hope it’s safe for me to assume that you said ‘yes,’” Viktor teased. He scooted over to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Yuuri kept his head down and frowned petulantly, even though he was thrilled that Viktor was holding him. He was afraid that Viktor could hear his heartbeat, since it was so noisy. “What if I had said ‘no’?”

“Then you would be pushing me away, and I would let go,” he murmured into his hair with a smile. “But that’s not what you said, is it?”

He shook his head and moved closer to Viktor. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Hm? What for?”

Even though he knew Viktor wasn’t purposefully making fun of him, Yuuri still felt embarrassed. He clenched his fists and said, “For… for liking me.”

Viktor chuckled. “If that’s the case, then I should be thanking you too for liking me back.”

It was warm. Being held by Viktor was comfortable, and listening to his words made him giddy. He was glad that his first reciprocated love was with someone so wonderful. Everything felt like a dream.

“Yuuri…” Viktor said, “may I kiss you?”

He pulled away from Yuuri just far enough so they could gaze at each other. Viktor’s eyes were so earnest and gentle that Yuuri couldn’t look away. It was embarrassing to be so close to him, but he had somehow gotten used to this short distance between them.

Wordlessly, Yuuri nodded.

“Thank you,” Viktor said again with a smile and placed a hand on Yuuri’s cheek.

At the touch, Yuuri naturally closed his eyes and trembled. He barely breathed as he waited the half a second before Viktor’s soft lips touched his and stayed there.

Since it was his first kiss, Yuuri was more nervous than anything. He didn’t know what to do. Viktor had his hand on his face, but he wasn’t sure where to put his hands. He was pretty sure he was supposed to move his lips too, but Viktor seemed content with staying still, so he did as well. Some of Viktor’s bangs cascaded over his cheek, but he wasn’t sure what to do about the itch. Yet, amidst his uncertainty, Yuuri still felt comfortable.

The pressure of the kiss wasn’t too harsh or light, and the way Viktor kept brushing his thumb against him put him at ease. Just when he thought things had gone on for too long, Viktor moved away with a stunning smile. He looked beautiful.

“Are you okay?”

There was nothing Yuuri could do but shake his head dazedly.

With a delighted chuckle, Viktor pressed a quick kiss on his forehead and pulled him close again. “You’re adorable, Yuuri.”

Hesitantly, he moved so that he was leaning more on Viktor’s chest. Nothing in the world felt more natural to him in that moment. He breathed in deeply, pleased by how good Viktor smelled, even though he knew it was their body soap and detergent Viktor was wearing.

“I apologize if I scared you earlier. I didn’t mean to,” Viktor said.

Yuuri shook his head slowly. “It wasn’t your fault. I was just… overthinking.”

He picked at his fingers until Viktor reached down and held his left hand with his right. Yuuri hummed when Viktor began stroking his thumb along the back of his.

“Are you still worried about me leaving after the competition?”

Yuuri didn’t reply. The heavy pit of dread still rested beneath his sternum.

A warm breath of air trickled through his hair when Viktor kissed the top of his head. “I’m not going anywhere, Yuuri. Not now and not after the Grand Prix Finals. And, even if I were, I’d want you to come along with me, if you were willing. Would you be alright with that?”

He clenched his eyes. “Mmn,” he answered, his voice breaking finely.

“Good,” he said with a smile, “because there are a lot of places in my hometown that I’d like to show you too.”

Warm happiness spread from his chest and made his skin tingle. “Thank you,” he whispered again, and Viktor squeezed him tightly.

They stayed like that for a good handful of minutes, just so they could enjoy each other’s presence. Yuuri loved how comfortable and protected he felt. He could have fallen asleep like that, especially with how he had exhausted himself with crying.

He was about to drift off when Viktor’s voice rumbled against him. “You didn’t answer my question from before.”

Yuuri snapped out from his hazy thoughts. “Huh?”

“I asked if you would be alright with me being your lover, remember?”

He woke up and stiffened. “Ah….”

“Well?”

Quietly, he squeezed Viktor’s hand with his own. “I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t mind.”

“Really?” Viktor asked in a teasing voice. “Then I guess I’ll have to do my best.”

“I will too!” Yuuri declared, pulling back so he could look Viktor in the eye.

Viktor chuckled under his breath and smiled. “I’m sure you will,” he said, and then he kissed Yuuri sweetly, until both of them forgot what it was like to not be in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me, a sad and lonely bastard, on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/brumalbreeze)! :'-D


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